ELPH thinks I’m defective. He wants a refund from my father. I should probably give you some background but where to start? The wasp nest? The heart attack? No it started long before that. Actually before ELPH & I were married.
Defect One: Emotionally unstable. We had just moved from Chicago to Cumming, Georgia, was it 1991? Anyway, while we were living in sin, ELP-Boyfriend went next door to visit the neighbors without telling me. No biggie right? Well after searching the house and yard and I couldn’t find him I had some kind of emotional freak-out. It’s funny now but back then after he found me sitting in the dirt crying in a heap in the back yard I’m sure he had his doubts about marrying me. Flash forward 6 or 8 years when I met my current lover Zoloft. Ah yes, happy was the day he came into our lives. Within months the emotional meltdowns and the coffee mug throwing incidents are (mostly) behind me and all is right with our world.
Defect Two: Defective Manufacturer Parts. In 2004 at the tender age of 43 I had a cardiac spasm, a very mild, unexplainable heart attack. I thought I had heartburn. Never mind that I never get heartburn. I have no family history of heart disease or diabetes or high cholesterol. After talking to what seemed like everyone every family member and friend I have, all of whom said to go to the emergency room, I finally went after about 8 hours. After a bunch of tests and drugs a blood test came back with elevated enzymes. Proof positive I was having a heart attack and they slip me some nitroglycerin. They did a cardiac cath and still don’t know what the hell happened. The only thing we can attribute it to is the birth control pill.
Defect Three: Allergic to nature. A few months after that while mowing the lawn (with a push mower, yea the ELPH is a real slave driver) I was stung my a wasp and had a serious allergic reaction and ended up in emergency room again. Medical bracelet and and epi-pen are prescribed. Apparently I’m allergic to wasps, bees and fire ants. Like I could die! Crraaapp!
It’s at this point the ELPH trys to negotiate a refund with my father. Dad explains that I was the “first model” (I’m the oldest of 4 children). ELPH counters with “So! You sold me an un-tested propto-type!” Somewhere in the conversation my previous marriage came up and ELPH was all “Oh great! Used goods!” Dad said something about the warranty being out of date and ELPH hasn’t found away around that - yet.
Defect Four: More Defective Parts. The latest “defect” started about a year ago when I started to feel a “mump” under my jaw line after I ate anything. It became quite painful so I went to my regular doctor. He said it was most likely a blocked saliva gland. “Nothing to worry about really, suck on a sour candy to increase the saliva production”. So I didn’t worry about it and it went away. That leads us to last week when I started feeling this “mump” again so I Googled it. Turns out this blocked gland can get nasty and infected and shouldn’t be ignored (I’ve already had some choice words for my GP cuz a year ago this would have been simple to fix). Google said it was more of a dentist thing than a doctor thing so I call my dentist who referred me immediately to an Oral Surgeon who got me in same day. He took an x-ray of my entire head. And there it was, a stone the size of a cheap diamond. To me it looks kinda big, which I mention and the Surgeon says “yes, it is. And from the position of it, it most likely won’t come out on it’s own. We’ll see you in another week. If it hasn’t moved we’ll have to remove the entire gland.” Remove the gland!?! Wha??!! Yea. I go back next week for another x-ray and to schedule the surgery. Yippee. Hmmm…maybe I’ll lose some weight;)
So now ELPH is really up in arms about this defective bill of goods my Dad sold him. I don’t understand what the big deal is. I mean I’m 47 years old. Come on, some of these parts are gonna start to wear out right? Right?? Anyone?
Yea, well. Can’t wait to hear that conversation between ELPH & Dad.